dottiedotz

Feels like the sands of my mood have shifted somewhat today. I feel more hopeful, more optimistic, more at peace. Not sure why…

It’s not that I’ve learnt anything new in the past few hours – although a lot of people have given me well-meaning advice and reminded me of time-tested truths, for which I am thankful.

I had a good time with God on Friday too, but again, there was no sudden epiphany or major revelation. Just a calming sense of peace.

I just feel uplifted in my soul, and … ok.

Must be all the prayers of my friends who have been encouraging me along the way, and the SMSed and tweeted hugs from various ones. Just knowing that, even though no one might be able to fully empathize, even though sometimes I know they still don’t quite understand, they CARE.

Thanks, you all…

Thank you Yann for saying some of what is swirling inside me too. I couldn’t find the words to describe, but you did it perfectly.

An excerpt from my friend’s blog:

Some days, I feel terribly old.

I wonder why I don’t get the things I want, and why it seems as if I have to try and fight so hard to get to where I am.
I don’t understand why my journey is so long.
And I think, am I doing it wrong? or, what if it’s not meant to be?
I wish I could be more patient or more confident.

I’m 28 and I’ve yet to hit the many milestones that I thought I would by the time I reach this age.
I haven’t become the person that I wanted to be since I was a little girl.

And then I remember, I am only 28.
In the grander scheme of things, I have many more miles to walk.
That means, I still have a lot of time to grow and work on becoming a better person.
I may not be the person of my dreams but I am still a person that I love and who is loved.
My milestones may have changed but I am content with the ones that I have reached.

Nobody knows what being a grown up means until we reached that stage.
Some of us ease gently into the role but not all of us are able to be perfect grown ups immediately.
It takes lots of time and tonnes of practice. (and heaps of grace)

Next time when I get disappointed, I will remember to stop being hard on myself and let it go.

Today was tough. I wish it wasn’t and I had happy stuff to blog about but it really was an emotionally draining 24 hours…

Somehow I made it through the day, even though a million and one negative thoughts were spinning around in my mind. I still can’t quite believe I managed to compartmentalize myself into being so task-focused for those hours.

Rehearsal didn’t go very smoothly – everything was kinda loose – so that didn’t help. (But I know everyone was trying, and I think there are just good days and bad days, and it’s part of the journey of getting there as a team.)

Thank God for the kind soul who sent me home after practice. I was tearing in the car, all those pent up emotions from the day whirling around inside me, but I managed to shed a few tears and then stop. Fake a smile and talk like normal.

The journey home seemed to take forever…

As soon as I walked through the doors into my house, I felt like I could finally be free to cry. To just sob into my pillow and let go of all my restraints, and just cry out to God. Because that’s all I can do, really. No hubby at home to share my woes with, and no friend I could think of that I felt I could suddenly unload this burden onto.

I miss him terribly…

But on the other hand, I guess it’s a good thing in a way. I have to learn to deal with this on my own. I mean, in the end, even though I love my hubby and close friends to bits, there are just some emotions and inner wrestlings that no one can resolve for me. It’s just between me and God.

No one can truly understand every nuance of every emotion – no one but God. So I’m thankful that He is right here with me, and I’m not alone in my empty house. I just wish it was easier…

You are my shield, my strength
My fortress, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Talking to a friend about the struggles she is going through helped me to think through what it means to hold on and to give up. You know the parrot or some other bird in “American Tale” that keeps saying “Never say never”?? (Hmmm… I hope I didn’t get it confused with some other cartoon =b) Well, I don’t agree with that statement.

I think there is a time for giving up, for letting go of dreams or expectations, for leaving people, for stopping to try. Sometimes I think we do a lot of harm to ourselves and others by hanging on to hope in the wrong things. Like that ex who is back on the market again, or to a singing career even though our singing is mediocre (many examples on Idol…)

There’s definitely a lot of good in persevering, in trusting, in hoping for things to work out well. There’s faith in that as well. But I think sometimes we confused faith/hope with idealism. And I look at the people around me who are, well, hoping for something in their future, and I see some who are full of faith, and some who are simply unwilling to see reality as it is.

Sometimes, something suddenly makes a person give up a dream. It could be failure, or what someone else said, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances they are in. There’s a lot of despair, and maybe anger, in the decision to “heck care lah”.

As a Christian, I think having faith and hoping for something needs to be balanced with an acceptance of the current reality, the unwavering belief that God is good, loving and faithful, and the willingness to surrender our dreams/expectations to Him.

I don’t think Christians are exempt from all the emotions that everyone else feels when they fail or receive negative comments, or get stuck in a rut. But the difference is that we know that God is there for us.

For me, there are a few things on my list that I’m trusting God for at the moment. At the same time, it’s a daily struggle to surrender them to Him and trust Him to work things out in His way and time.

Not resignations but release.

Not reluctance but anticipation.

I think that’s the Christian way of “giving up”.

Bitten by the scrap-bug, I’ve been happily sifting through my Japan pics from the seven times I’ve been there, and picking out a precious few to convert into scrapbook pages!! I’m planning to do a 10 page book assembled from cardboard pages, depicting my most memorable experiences in Japan from 2001 until now! I’ve finished 3 pages so far… Will post pics of the pages up here when I’m done!!

Last Sunday, Joy brought me to Granny’s Day Out, a quaint little shop tucked away on the 3rd level of Peninsular Plaza.

I loved it! Vintage dresses, jewellery and clutch bags galore!!!

Anyway, I deliberated for ages on this dress.

At the end of the afternoon I didn’t buy it yet, but spent the next few hours dreaming about it… and gushing to everyone I met about it. Haha… eventually I did ‘buy’ it – actually it was my darling hubby who paid for most of it Hee hee… Yay!!

Check out more of their goodies here.

Yesterday dawned bright, sunny and VERY EARLY for me. Heh. We went to the airport to pick up Hitomi for her one-day-in-Singapore adventure! Poor girl was also quite exhausted from the 12-13hr flight, so it was back home for a 2-hour siesta before setting off.

Mel had to rush off to office after that, but it was really sweet of him to wake up with me and to go to the airport to bring her back, cos I don’t think I could have woken up any earlier after the long day on Sunday. *sweet hubby*

It turned out to be a really good afternoon with her, even with the dull pitter patter of raindrops and overcast skies. I took lots of pics, like a tourist!

There were waaaaay too many people jostling around in Underwater World for us to really enjoy the fish. Honestly I was very irritated/peeved when I got shoved aside on more than one occasion. There was a tour group there from India, and honestly, given that I’m going to India in Dec, it was NOT a pleasant experience of their community. That said, I’m sure a lot of it has to do with cultural norms and such. Still… we were quite exhausted after squeezing our way out to the rest stop.

We were feeling really naughty, so when we saw the tour group coming out, we were like “Let’s quickly finish our drinks and run to the bus stop before they all get there!” Hee… well it turned out to be a good idea, cos we managed to get ourselves two much-appreciated seats just before the whole group came on board.

Just to clarify I’m not being racist about this particular culture. I’m just expressing that it was very frustrating for us because it did make it harder for us to fully enjoy the Underwater World. But I know that it was probably largely due to the fact that many of them even within the group were family, and so there was just too much energy for our little bus to contain… so anyway, we did reach the Dolphin Lagoon in good time for the show, and in relatively good spirits!

Thankful that Alvin and Lalang could take her for dinner after that so I could attend my Jap class before saying goodbye at the airport.

Hee hee, it was sometime during dinner or at the airport that she realized her pretty pink hat was not in her bag anymore! I guess we must have left it on the tram or the bus in our runnings to and fro. Poor Hitomi… I think she liked that hat a lot.

It was sad to see her walk through the gates, because this is the first time in 8 years we’ve managed to meet! But I’m pretty excited because Mel and I are now talking about taking a holiday in her hometown of Fukuoka, Kyushu sometime next May. Maybe I”ll bring her a hat from Singapore when we go! Hee hee…

Of course, sadly, the end result was that I was majorly exhausted at the end of the day. Plus was battling an on-off runny nose since Saturday, so I woke up today with a sore throat and phlegm and got an MC. Sigh.. but it was a memory I won’t easily forget!

… that I feel really thankful for my dearest hubby, who is my strong (and often silent) support, but speaks up when he needs to. Who casually puts his arm around my shoulder in the presence of friends to remind me that he is there, and to be present in our (totally girly) conversation. And who patiently waits for me in the (parked) car when I’m talking to a friend on the phone, even though it’s wasting the aircon.

… that I feel very blessed by the friends that I have, and for the opportunities like today to shop and giggle and snack, just women only. For my dearest colleagues at Crusade, that I count my second family. For the duo of damsels (haha!), yann & dawn. And for various ones in church, both old and new.

… that I realize HOW RICH my life is at the present moment, and how much I want to treasure every person and every conversation and every laugh and every tear… because this is NOW, and it will never come again.

So morbid, my post sounds =b But I’m actually not feeling morbid at all. Just thankful

The first year, it was gold and green.

Last year, red was added to the mix.

This year, I’m aiming for a fresh new Christmas look! Heh. So no more gold and greens (stay in my store room), but hello to pretty pinks and whites, and the reds I have already have!

Pink * White * Red

Looking forward to hauling the tree out of the storeroom and scouting for cheap and beautiful decorations!

Today was the last local gig with this particular config of Snooze. It went well, but I was swamped by an avalanche of emotions post-gig. I really love these guys, they’re like my ‘babies’ and I’m torn between letting go and holding on. Trusting that God has his purpose and plan for each one of them, and it might not be with ForeRunner. But anyway…

It’s been a long journey. Difficult, yes. Rewarding – sometimes. Frustrating, many times. Moments of utter joy, thankfulness and amazement, for sure. It’s been precious.

I’m going to miss them so much, because whatever happens to Snooze, I know I won’t be their band leader forever. And it hurts so much… almost as much as saying goodbye to this second family. It’s a continual struggle to surrender little things, moment by moment, and believe that everything will work out for good.

I hate goodbyes, but there’s no escaping them. At least I know I’m not alone.